getting real. sorta.

all the clichés about time are true
January 31, 2012, 8:06 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

My last post on this blog was JUST before everything changed. When does it not change? Specifically: someone who is very important to me hadn’t really entered my life yet the last time I posted. And it’s so weird to go back to that post and read it. It’s part of the reason I blog/write in my diary (I’ve had one since I was about 8 or 9. I wonder if the person who gave me my first one realizes I still have it and if the person who gave me my second one realizes the same). It’s pretty incredible to go back and read what thoughts you had in any particular moment in time. Some entries are just silly thoughts or little doodles. Some are dark and some have been folded since writing them because I don’t want to re-read those entries. It’s not about remembering everything from my past, it’s about acknowledging where I was and where I am.

Time is tricky. It speeds up when you don’t want it to and drags its feet when all you want for it is to run by you. And I fear it is also exponential. I don’t notice time picking up speed on a daily basis, but I swear even in the last several months, weeks have become noticeably shorter.

I don’t know if this change in perception has to do with a minor monumental and seemingly rapid approaching birthday, but I feel I have for some reason become increasingly more aware of some sort of timeline for my life. Some of it stems from finances (i.e. will I be able to save enough for x by the time I need/want the money (eg college funds for children I don’t yet have, a downpayment for a house I don’t know where, retirement)) some of it stems from trying to find the time to travel back home enough times a year, and some of it comes from the industry I work in: how much more time do I have to work at a newspaper before they disappear?

But all of it comes from fear. Fear of what is yet to come or not come. I don’t recall being so fearful of things in my future, things over which I have no control. I sometimes worry about whether my children will all make it to adulthood, even though I have none nor any immediate plans to start. Morbid things. Death a lot of the time is a theme. Death of a loved one. And I have no idea where this sudden fear stems from. It’s been sudden though. I don’t know if it’s because I have fear of so many things right now and death is the ultimate fear I have so when I start thinking about scary things like “Will I budget myself correctly this month?” perhaps then I start to think of a bigger fear, the. A bigger one and so on and so forth until my entire family and circle of friends have died including people who don’t even exist yet.

Maybe it’s because I spent my years before now preparing for very specific and known outcomes. Like college. And now I’m just out here, bobbing up and down in a gigantic ocean on my little raft with little else to brave the elements than a heart set on adventure.

Some parts of being an adult are getting easier. And living away from home have definitely helped me grow in that regard. Days where I wish I were 8 again wrapping top ramen noodles around a fork are getting fewer and farther in between. I FEEL myself transitioning into a new phase of my life. I just don’t know who I’ll be on the other end.

In one of my American Indian studies classes, I remember learning about a cultural behavior of some society I don’t remember now where, when referring to the future, instead of gesturing forward and in front of themselves like in today’s American society, they would gesture behind them. The past was a gesture in front of them. The thought behind this thoughtless gesticulation was that your past is known, you know what it looks like, as if it were right there in front of you. You could inspect it, and even hold it. The future, being unknown, was behind you, not as important as where you had been.

To think: Where you had been is more important than where you are going. Maybe it would help to make sure you’re staying in the present. Looking at all your options even more carefully. Because you know what choices you make in your past will always be right there in front of you.

Rambling, obviously. This wasn’t so much of a post for your enjoyment as much as it was a way for me to get back into my blog. At 3 am … Oops.

Excuse the grammar and incomplete thoughts.

Much love.


first post of the new year…i think
March 23, 2011, 9:24 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

i honestly don’t think i’ve posted anything since this year began. the most important news in my life right now i’m selectively sharing (no, i’m not pregnant. several times when i’ve told people “i have news!” they ask if i’m pregnant. … why??) but most who care probably know. i just don’t want it to go too public as i don’t want it on facebook. not yet at least. it’s not pressing news. everyone will know come fall.
so yeah, i’m getting eager for the weather to get nicer. i’m starting to also miss living in a city with a major league baseball team. opening day for the mariners is in like 2 weeks. i wanna go to opening day some time, even more i want to go to spring training one year. that’d be bomb dot com.
i’ve been wanting to paint again. i think that means that i’m feeling more settled here and more like myself. it’s amazing how much of one’s self one can lose when one moves away from practically everything he/she knows and everyone he/she knows.
i think the last few months i’ve just been starting to settle in. it was nice to have kate come visit, to see where i live and what i do and where i go. now when i say things like “oh yeah, i went to colley cantina” she knows what i mean. i <3 that place. very few people here like it. it's such a dive and that's why i love it. several of the regulars know me by name. i'm sure that's an accomplishment and a failure on my part in several ways. :D
i've also finally found a chiropractor here that i want to go to. she has a good vibe and is obsessed w/ the color purple. i feel a certain kinship with people who have an obsession with a specific color. several of you should know what color that is for me haha.
so, yeah. i'm doing well. i still miss my friends hardcore. and the mountains. and the evergreens. and my mom. but it's getting easier.
and i know that i can do it.
i also know that cleaning sucks. and i know that i like the industrial look. and i don't like beds. and chairs can be a good thing.
i don't know that i would have learned that w/o living alone. :D
also, i'll be housing an intern this summer. that should be nice to have someone else around. it gets so quiet in my apt sometimes, and growing up w/ four sisters meant i got used to it not being quiet. it'll be nice to just have someone else here i think.
i've also been wanting another tattoo.
and i've realized how important my friends are. i think i took them for granted.

an update, plain and tall
December 28, 2010, 3:18 am
Filed under: the woman growing down

HOKAY, SO HERE’S MY LIFE IN a very large, metophorical and verbose nutshell: i’m an idiot.

Continue reading

Wait, this is it?
November 15, 2010, 6:51 pm
Filed under: the girl growing up

So it’s been awhile since the last time I’ve posted. To update all of you: I did indeed finish the conference. I have not been stuck in Denver this whole time, worry not dear loyal readers.

Also, my older sister got married! Yay! I think I’m still trying to process that one. It still seems like she just got engaged. I’m very happy for her and the wedding was perfection. Definitely a hard act to follow. So, you better get on it Elisabeth!

And also I started my job officially. My first big kid job. I’d love to say that I’ve fallen into a productive routine and I’ve got the hang of everything now, but I’d be lying. So I’ll instead ask: When do I become a full-fledged grown-up?

This question came to me last night when I caught my 23-year-old self jumping on my bed. When do I need to stop doing that? Or sleeping with a stuffed animal?

I think there should be a new age classification. Like how now there’s waddlers for between the toddler and infant stage. Or the tween from pre-teen to teen. The longer we live, the more the need for more exact representation of age. There needs to be some sort of classification for those of us in our post-collegiate pre-total-adult stage of life.

I’m open to suggestions although I’m partial to pradler myself (pre-adult).

snd denver: day 1
September 23, 2010, 9:48 pm
Filed under: the girl growing up

OH MAN, HERE I AM. It’s so crazy/awesome/crazy awesome/awesomely crazy to see all these people and meet all these professionals.

I’m totally geeking out and getting so excited/antsy (sp?) about getting back to designing newspapers. It’s also weird cuz people keep asking how I got the internship and others will come up to me and congratulate me, people I don’t even know. It’s weird how it takes strangers’ praise to really get me excited again about my job.

I’m nervous for tomorrow. I get to blog about one of the sessions on the SND website, which is awesome, however I’ve never interviewed anyone before and I’m nervous. I swear I’m the only person here who didn’t major in journalism! I feel a little out of my element. It’d be easier I think if I had friends here to be unsure with. As it is, I’m latching on to various other students from other schools.

There was a reception tonight. With a mechanical bull. Yup. I rode the bull. That was a first. And a last, no doubt.

I’m enjoying myself but I feel a little like my mind is elsewhere and I’m having a hard time fully committing to this experince emotionally. Maybe I’ll take my ADHD medication tomorrow to help me focus. My mind is racing and it feels like it needs to be stimulated but I’m so tired that I can’t read or do crosswords. I think I’m just also a little homesick and eager to get back to Seattle and then excited for Kelly’s wedding. I’m rambling now, I know. Also, my bed at the hotel has red velvet and satin blankets. No joke. Pretty much my favorite part :) hahaha.

I just feel very alone lately. It’d be nice to just have someone consistently here, ya know?

I really ought to have brought Mi-er Bunny along on this trip. Yeah, I’m a 23-year-old working professional and I still need my stuffed animal.

Anyone thinking of moving to Virginia??

how many planes?
September 22, 2010, 9:03 pm
Filed under: the resident of crazytown

AND SO MY JOURNEY officially begins. Actually, it officially began with my 12-minute and 30-dollar cab ride to the airport. I have probably the world’s tiniest piece of luggage to join me on this trip. We’ll call him Ed, a suitably tiny name for a tiny suitcase. A tiny suitcase filled halfway with shoes. Which really isn’t all by choice. It’s not my fault my feet are big. My shoes take up more room simply because they’re mine. Not to mention the fact that I have to be prepared for various types of social and business events the next couple weeks. In fact there was simply not enough room for all of them so I had to attach some to the outside of Ed as well.

But this post isn’t about how many shoes I brought. It’s about how many planes I’m bringing them on. This first one is tiny as far as planes go. In fact it’s so small Ed wasn’t able to fit in the overhead compartments. At least that’s what they told me, however, I don’t think they realize my ability to cram more stuff into tiny space. I AM a designer for newspapers after all…

And in seat 10A I am only a couple rows from the back. And I’m pretty sure there’s some sort of height limit for flight attendants on board as anyone taller than 6’0 has to duck down the length of the aisle. Which could explain the very short flight attnedant who greeted me aboard this aircraft.

Perhaps his name is Ed, too.

By the numbers:
Cabs: 1
Planes: 1
Battery life: 25%
Hours of travel (inclu wait time): 2.5
Snacks: 0
Carry-on bags over the allowed amount without people stopping me: 3
Times told to turn off phone: 3
Times phone got turned off: 0

The calm before the storm
September 22, 2010, 8:48 pm
Filed under: the girl growing up

THE ELECTRIC ANTICIPATION AND EXCITEMENT BUZZING IN THE AIR surrounding me is palpable. I’m like an 8-year-old sitting impatiently through Christmas Eve Mass, knowing after this I can go straight to bed to awake and find all my presents under the tree. Only instead of Christmas and presents, it’s the annual SND conference and workshops.

I find it fitting the conference is in Denver. For those of you who are unaware, I spent three very vital years of my childhood in Denver. When I think about being a little girl, I think of Denver. I’ve always wanted to go back to Colorado to visit, it’s been an itch in my chest too deep to scratch and now I feel it coming closer to the surface. It’s fitting that one of the last places I am to spend my time off before officially becoming a resident of the Real World is the place with which I associate much of my childhood.

I’m excited. But I also know the next couple weeks is going to be anything but smooth sailing. I feel as if I am aboard a ship commandeered (sp?) by a tyranous pirate crazy enough to take the storm ahead dead on. And instead of being petrified to my core, I’m simply choosing to not think about what all will transpire over the next several days, multiple destinaions and myriad events.

After this weekend of fulfilling my duties as a travel-grant recipient from SND, I’m headed on a plane back to Seattle. Notice how I said “Seattle” and not “home”? Yeah, that’s cuz I live in Virginia now. Crazy. (p.s. I LOVE my new apartment, which I’ve decided to call The Hilary as it has “Swank” written all over it). There, I will finish packing my belongings and attempt to see as many people as I can before leaving again four days after arriving. Then I’m off to Sacramento with the majority of my family to participate in the event of he year. Or at least one of the biggest/most important events of the year. My sister’s wedding. Yay! Then I’m headed back east again, with only a day or two of rest before starting the first day of my “career.”

And all I’m packing is a small carry-on. And six pairs of shoes.